The Man's Guide to Lap Dancing

For phil

1. One needs the appropriate uniform:
-Drunken sailor
-Proud matador
-Corrupt cop
-Neutral colored sweaters, "cordoroy" pants, and mismatched socks

2. Make certain female is sitting in a stable chair. Things are going to get rocky, so let's keep it safe.

3. Say provocative things to female:
-"Can drop my anchor in your harbor?"
-"You are the heifer to my rutting bull. Let us dance the flamenco!"
-"You have the right to touch my buns, anything you fondle can and will be used against you in the bedroom. . .
-"Happy Birthday!"

4. Supply appropriate music:
-"It's Raining Men"
-"Macho Men"
-"I Wanna Sex You Up."

5. Generate sexiness with smooth dance moves:
-Hip thrusting/gyrations
-Twirling
-Breast cupping (this might get you slapped)
-Running hands through hair
-Pop and Lock it