I talked to my sister on the phone but cried half the time
we talked about being positive and making yourself do
things you wouldn't want to do.
"You should make friends," she said to the 12 year old
sniffling on the end.
I'm a fucking adult, I wanted to shout but didn't
Sometimes I feel like giving it all away and going on a
journey like that guy did. Eddie Vedder did the whole
soundtrack and I wouldn't mind living like that.
I don't tell people this.
Instead, I say. "What do things MEAN? And how do
they relate to me? Do I need THINGS?"
People nod thoughtfully.
"Don't feel guilty about consuming," my sister told me.
I do feel guilty. I'm supposed to. I think about the THINGS
and let it slip, that I want to give them all away.
There is silence on the other end.
It stresses me out. "Is there anything I do that's working
for the world?"
She doesn't understand the question.
"What am I doing here?"
She takes that to mean I'm defeated. "You just need to be
I was given a book. Marx says you are at a disadvantage from
birth, any gain you make is at the expensive of some other poor
soul and capitalism isn't worth all the huzzah.
The book didn't tell me anything about my disengagement
from society and my own former consciousness.
"Yes," says Marx. "You are a consumer and you
should feel like a loser." I already knew that.
"You sound depressed," says my sister.
"I'm actually very happy," I say still crying. I am. "I'm just
thinking too much lately. I'll make friends."
"Good," she says too quickly. She's done with philosophy.
"Now get out of the house and treat yourself to something."